clubhouse

oooOOOooo baybee

half real

i feel so low right now.


all my friends are leaving. and the ones that are still here arent really my friends. they just say so but dont really act like it.
or they dont say so. i was just mislead last year.
whatever

and today I saw an old friend
called me outta the blue and we had a visit
she greeted me with ice cream and a green bowl to smoke


and seeing her broke my heart because she looked frail
and i could tell she has be up to no good.




i am honest in my confessions and answers to the questions people ask me
but horribly dishonest in my emotions.


i will never willingly show the way I truly feel
most of the time I behave the opposite to the way I feel. to overcompensate and hide what is really going on. and its sad because i have lost a lot of people that way. pushed people out because I had to much pride to admit how much i really did care.


ugh. mush.mush. crybaby face

moss and mint and forest

Green is the new purple.
seriously. just wait and see

rememberrr

And I know... i know alot of people think I'm dumb. and weird. and mean. and a bitch and whatever else. and i know that alot of people only think that because i am mis understood. and thats all. mis understood for ever and ever. and i dont care. its my own way of creating a cloud of mystery around myself. as long as you dont understand i dont have to worry about what you think. too look inside my head would be to grow greatly enlightened. not about me but about the big picture. I see it. not always in the present but always i see it. and sometimes that sucks because it always pushes me into putting myself in to others shoes and later feel dumb for all that happens ever. because as we all should know by now...everything and everyone is half real and half imagined. but for me it is all really imagined. and imangined to be real. even though in the back of my mind i know better than to think in such dreamy ways. outer space is where i choose to rest my mind that way i will always remain disconnected from the rest of the world. imagination is bliss.

be careful

it hurts.



((click))

you look happy when you fake smile
do I look happy when i fake smile

(mine^)

I got my CREEP STREET stuff in the mail the other day. I love it. And I love them!!
they are the coolest. 40oz. koozies!? i mean come on! thats awesome
They threw in some freee swag. stickers and a zombie creep street snappybracelet whristband thing.
pretty cool. The stickers are funny. USA DECAY and stuff like that.
Plus for a moment there was a hold up on my shipment and they got back to me
super quick and personal status and were so nice about the whole thing. Definitely
in Love with the Mad Creepy Creepers.

GUCCI X SALEM

HEAVEN

crucified

oh man! i feel so upset and heartbroken and scared and sad and worried and mad right now.
An hour ago my heart beat with love and now it beats with fear.

how can this happen and why
and why to me
and why now
what have I done.
who have I hurt
i swear i dont deserve this. and I thought that so long as I lived my life right things wouldnt come back to this and I was so wrong and i feel like throwing up.

before a few hours ago I was so happy. I was ready to quit drinking/smoking/doing drugs. I was ready to go back to school ready to leave all my dead weight behind and go back to the way it was before.

and now i just dont know. I cant think. I cant breath. FUCKKKKK

my dad is a peice of shit
and some can say oh its not his fault. he has a disease. he is sick.
and I say NO fuck that. he is a mentally unstable drunk peice of shit
abusing his new girlfriend now. and his own mother
and my grandmother came to me (MEEEE?) for help
but she is fucked up too
a drunk and a liar and a victim always
and As she told me her story and asked me for help all I could think is why are you aasking me for help
I am a 20 year old girl there is nothing I can do and she says well you are his daughter maybe you can help him maybe you can make him change
and there I am like....ummmm
yeah the same daughter he had walked out on time and time agian even tried killing once.
whatthefuckever.
im so SICK of this

i cant do it. i cant fix it. and I want nothing to do with it. It is out of my hands.

the minute I get up they push me back down and i cant do this. anymore
I dont care anymore
I have 2 choices stay and get dragged through the mud
or walk away forget and never look back







its hot in here. is this a mistake