prismviews//

summer fukN lonely nights

cheKing in and out

Inside I AM $AD

haha just kidding. If i ever look you into the eyes and say to you "inside I am sad"
I want you to say "I am going to bitch slap you" k!

what a weird year.
ok. let me see.
car accidents
drugs
lovers
injuries
depression
surgeries
more surgeries
isolation
no car no Independence
no power? or maybe i just gave it up?
i got fired from my job...
I am being sued for 15,000
bench warrants
suspended license on top of an already suspended license (can they do that?)
I thought I was going to burning man but my friend changed her mind  a week before and decided to take my other friend...what and ASSHOLE!! FUCK YOU haha
I returned to school
tried to kill myself
went to west hills, met some cool people
this is all out of order.
my grandma died
my dad got sober
and then started drinking again
My step dad broke his ribs
Every single day is so WeIrD

I do not like the circumstances I have been given. I especially do not like that it is not clear to people around me that I am in some really uncomfortable positions in my personal life. I am financially stressed out so hard every single day my mom calls me and reminds me of every hospital and ambulance bill and the mortgage and the fact that i dont have a job and how much my prescriptions cost and that because of me the family is being sued and she might have to get a second job and I am just like ok I am sorry I dont have any money and I need to do homework and dishes and I just loaded the bong I really need to get off the phone.
And then my head starts pounding not because I am stressed but because sometimes I just get migraines and horrible stomach aches from my medications and my limbs fall asleep and it is so painful and annoying and it sucks but whatever. who cares. its a Normal day for me. By about 1 pm I can pull myself together enough to put the kettle on the stove and get going.

I have played everything out over and over in my head again and again, the car accident and the events after and I think that anyone put in my circumstance would have felt equally as lost and crazy. Mainly because it wasnt like things were not destroyed all at once but rather it was a gradually decay. If things were to have been wiped out all at once I would have been able to be like ok so there is all of that damage time to pick up the pieces. Instead things felt apart a little bit at a time so it was like i was trying to balance everything with my hands already full and tied behind my back. it was just chaotic and hard to get on top of.

long story short. none of it matters. I tried to kill myself and Shane interfered. Right after taking about 60 epilepsy pills I layed in bed waiting to slip into coma/death Shane called and said he was coming over to hang out and I was like ummm...NOOO! please no. and for some dumb reason he insisted so I had to puke up the pills cuz the last thing i wanted was to go to bed with him and have him wake up to scary dead girl next to him. I wanted to end my life not ruin his. I still kind of dont want to live . I am going to die anyways so why put up with all this futile bullshit. but I figure it is to expensive and hard on my parents to try and fail again. My mom had a kid before me that died. I would be her second dead kid. I dont want to be an asshole anymore. welll I dont know. It might be sort of inevitable. I think I have seen to much. I might just have to cope with the fact that I will always be an asshole and a downer but I dont have to be just an asshole. I can be an asshole among other things. hopefully.


ANYWAYS!
 I have been having really good dreams lately about kittens and coco and old mansions and ultra violet Simpson characters. and I even started painting and sewing again and downloading music and doing stupid things that are fun and pointless and make me happy.
Brad and I went to Emerald Pools yesterday and the spot we went to reminded me of Palm Springs
Dry and Hot and what not
I miss my teenage cousins. except they arent teenagers anymore. They are all in their 30s and doing other stuff

There was Joe who was a pioneer of west coast graffiti in the 80s.  who now after serving much time in jail lives in Washington
and Romie who was a handsome metal head and a crazy maniac in love with old Volkswagens, headbangers ball beavis n but head and hanging out, with me on his arm at the mechanic shop,  who is now in prison for heroin and beating his girlfriend.
Then there is Katie who was the best freak dancer and corn-rower and new all the words to every Salt N Peppa song ever. But she has like 6 kids now with a husband who is deported and is in meth and loving it so good its bad
then there is Jo Anna the new age hippy always putting beads in my hair and ying-yang fake tattoos on my arms. She got a dolphin tattoo flipping around her belly button while she was on vacation with my parents and I in the 90s in Santa Cruz. She has had 3 kids and had a slew of abusive boyfriends, but through it all she has found peace and is settling down, going back to school for a law degree and thinking about tattoo removal. Its amazing what 3 kids can do to a dolphin tattoo, i think it looks more similar to a whale shark now.


ok. that was really random. but it just came into my mind.
music?
YEAHH